These 'stories' were collected for my mother's pleasure, because
laughter releases healing hormones.

"The art of medicine consists of keeping the patient amused
while nature heals the disease." – Voltaire
Learn more about the 'healing art of laughter' HERE

Keywords: laughable, hilarious, amusing, diverting, droll, absurd, eccentric,
whimsical, wicked, funny, outlandish, ridiculous, incredible ...

Without a sense of humour, it just isn't funny!

Tell us another one... An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says, "What is this - some kind of joke?" The "three nationalities" joke format is common in many countries.

1. Irish word for 'mañana' The EU decided to hold their annual tourism conference in Dublin, and the Spanish Minister for Tourism, who’d always wanted to visit Ireland, decided to travel around Ireland the week before the conference. When he arrived at the conference, he sauntered up to the Irish Minister for Tourism and said, “I really enjoyed my trip around Ireland last week, but I couldn’t find anyone who could tell me the Irish equivalent to the word 'mañana'." The Irish Minister thought for a moment, then replied: “I don’t think there is a word in the Irish language that has the same sense of urgency.”

2. A keen observer One fine sunny day, a backpacker was hitchhiking along an Irish country road: when he saw a man digging turf in a bog, he called out, "Excuse me, Sir, can you tell me how long it will take me to get to the next town?" The turf-cutter stood up, looked at him, and went back to digging. The hitchhiker felt taken aback, since most Irish people he'd met along the way were very friendly. He keep walking, and a few minutes later, to his surprise, he heard a voice shouting, "Half an hour!" He turned around and saw the turf-cutter waving! He shouted back, "Why didn't you answer when I asked you?" The turf-cutter replied, "I had to see how fast you are walking".

3. Biology Class Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.  The question was worth 70 points or none at all.  One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

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4. What would you say? A farmer named Seamus goes to court following a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus. "Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the solicitor. Seamus responded: "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the solicitor interrupted. "Just Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Seamus said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The solicitor interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus' answer and said to the solicitor: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie." Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. "Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' Now what would you say?"

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5. "What's wrong, Father?" A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the head monk, "What's wrong, father?" The head monk, with tears in his eyes replies, "The word is celebrate not celibate!"

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6. Too Early Man walks in to a pub in Dublin, and asks “Am I too early for a drink?” The barman say “Yes, it’s 10 minutes till opening time, you can wait over there though (points to a chair)”. The man says thanks and sits down. The barman then says “Would you like a drink, while you're waiting”.

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7. KIDS ARE QUICK Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America. Maria: Here it is. Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? Class: Maria Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? John: You told me to do it without using tables Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? Donald: H I J K L M N O. Teacher: What are you talking about? Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O. Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. Winnie: Me! Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? Louis: Because George still had the ax in his hand?

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8. There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black. (But the most compelling evidence of all –3 proofs that Jesus was a woman) He called everyone brother. He liked Gospel. He didn't get a fair trial. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: He went into His Father's business. He lived at home until he was 33. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: He talked with His hands. He had wine with His meals. He used olive oil. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: He never cut His hair. He walked around barefoot all the time. He started a new religion. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: He was at peace with nature. He ate a lot of fish. He talked about the Great Spirit. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish He never got married. He was always telling stories. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all –3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do. Can I get an AMEN!

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9. "Putting Your Affairs In Order." The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?" "Because I don't want any of those b*tches sleeping with your father after I'm gone." And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."

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10. Live life backwards. I want to live my next life backwards! You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat. Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks. When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon you're too young to work. So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party. As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities. In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged keeping you happy. You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating, room service on tap. Until, finally, you finish off as an orgasm.

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11. A good weight-bearing exercise Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arm s straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. After a couple of more weeks, move up to 50-lb potato sacks. When you have mastered this, try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level). After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

12. In Tune "I've come to tune your piano." "But we didn't send for you." "No - but your neighbours did."

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13. I've arrived! A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her email address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error. Meanwhile, in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "Called Home to Glory" following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son heard the sound, rushed into her room, to find his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived! I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is hot down here

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14. Tax Audit The ATO (Australian Tax Office) decides to audit Ralph, and summoned him to the ATO office. The tax auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop any where in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summonsed for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

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15. Catholic Horses One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mick noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mick watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mick made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mick collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Mick bet big on it, and it won. Mick was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first. Bye and bye, Mick was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mick also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mick knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mick, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'. The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

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16. Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy!

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17. Mid-life crisis After my 25th wedding anniversary, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed. Aren't older women great! They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

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18. A sympathetic blond A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a football. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she says. 'Yes.' he says.. 'You can go and play with the other kids, you know' she says. 'It's best I stay here.' he says. 'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde. The boy looks at her incredulously and says, "Because I'm the goal keeper!"

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19. A happy blond. A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to the Gold Coast?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."

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20. The cunning wife. An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows. 'Twenty pounds' she whispers. Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.  It is a Police Officer. "What's going on here, people?"  asks the cop  "I'm making love to me wife!," Paddy answers sounding annoyed "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face."

21. Guy walked into the local welfare office He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know..., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it.."

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22. Giving it up for lent An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the man who orders three beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but the folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond." The bartender and the whole town was pleased with the answer, and soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers" became a local celebrity and a source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all..." The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

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23. The blind pilot – a true story. A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

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24. Why men don't write advice columns! Dear Walter: I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila Reply ______________________________ Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps. Walter

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25. Beethoven - from the grave A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.   He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!   Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.   Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is  playing, again  backwards. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in  which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.   By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave.They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.   Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says. "He's decomposing."

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26. Forgive your enemies. Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Neely, Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, "I outlived the bitches."

27. Three Nuns Three nuns were attending a hockey game. Three men were sitting directly behind them. Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there.” Then the second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Montana. There are only 50 nuns living there.” The third guy said, “I want to go to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there.” One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, “Why don’t you just go to hell. There aren’t any nuns living there.”

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28. Where do pets come from? A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?" Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us." And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well." And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

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29. Jack and Bob go skiing Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained."I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, '"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."

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30. The Irish golfer A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. 'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked. 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says. 'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?' 'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off. 'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.' A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. 'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?' 'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.' 'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?' 'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!' 'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?' The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.' C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?' Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.' 'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?' 'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

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31. Philosophy of sex "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." - George Burns "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." - Tom Clancy "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." - Steve Martin "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." - Lynn Lavner "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." - Matt Barry "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." - Steve Jobs "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson " Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush, former US First Lady "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." - Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." - Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." - Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams

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32. Where did the white man go wrong? Long ago, a white U.S. government official asked for Indian Chief “Two Eagles” opinion: “You have observed the white man for more than 100 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress and the damage he has caused.” The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, “Considering all these matters, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?” The Chief stared at the government official, then replied, “When white man find this land and 'Indians' running it: no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.” Then the chief leaned back and smiled, “Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”

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33. The Apollo Project When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message: "WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES! THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND!"

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34. The Science of Weather Forecasting It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the heck the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood so they would be prepared for it. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,   "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

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35. Puns: No Laughs Allowed Aloud 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. It turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road . . . and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. 21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 26. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

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36. Donation Father O'Malley answers the phone: "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" "It is" "This is the IRS. Can you help us?" "I can" "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" "I do" "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is" "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" "He will".

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37. Hamlet Wore Ladies Underwear (and Other Literary Secrets Outed by Ted Gioia) J.K. Rowling Outs Hogwarts’ Headmaster: "Tells Audience Albus Dumbledore is Gay” (recent news headline) Of course, this news brought with it the even more shocking revelation that fictional characters lead lives outside the pages of their books. We can now wonder what King Lear ate for breakfast, or where Mr. and Mrs. Darcy went on their honeymoon. In fact, we anticipate that Ms. Rowling’s bold move will set off a whole string of literary surprises. We share some of them in imaginary headlines: “Ian Fleming Admits 007 Never Had License to Kill: ‘Gun Loaded Only With Blanks’” “Strike Four: Mighty Casey Implicated in Mudville Steroid Scandal” “Say It Ain’t So! Carroll Claims Alice Made Up Wonderland Story” “Cervantes Tells All: Quixote – Windmill Fight Was Fixed!” “Author Hints at Existence of Two More Mohicans" “Now It Can Be Told: Lord of the Flies was Reality Show ‘Gone Badly Wrong’” “'Me Tarzan, You Jane, She Jane’s Best Friend': Author Reveals Tarzan’s Torrid Tree-somes" "Goethe Admits Young Werther’s Sorrows Could Have Been Treated With Prozac” "Roth Revelation: Zuckerman Member of Masonic Lodge?” “Press Conference Bombshell: Two Karamazov Brothers Adopted: Ivan Not Even Russian” “On the Road Protagonist Drove Off-Road Vehicle” “Dickens Now Claims Third City in his Tale” “Not So Cowardly?: Baum Confesses He Defamed Lion” “War and Peace Author Admits: ‘The Peace Never Lasted’” “The Bard Breaks His Silence: Romeo Had a Second Wife” “The Day Lucky Jim’s Luck Ran Out” “Alice Walker Tells Workshop: The Color Was Actually Light Violet” “Defoe Declares: Robinson Crusoe Had GPS Locator, Communication Device” “Homeric Hutzpah: Epic Poet Says Helen of Troy Had Plastic Surgery: ‘Without Nip and Tuck, Face Would Not Have Launched a Single Ship.’” “Orwellian Nightmare: Spouse Claims 'Big Brother Liked to Watch'” "Gabriel Garcia Marquez Now Admits: Only Eighty-Seven Years of Solitude” "'The Only Roach in That House Was in the Ash Tray': Kafka Claims Gregor Samsa Imagined Metamorphosis While High on Banned Substances" “The Sad Truth About Sherlock Holmes’ Faithful Companion: Watson Not a Real Doctor – Bought Degree from Diploma Mill” "J.D. Salinger Breaks Silence: Holden Caulfield Grew Up to Become Hedge Fund Manager"

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38. Dear Dad letter.... A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. 'Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home.

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39. Paddy and the Elevator Culchie Paddy and his young son went to a shopping centre in Dublin for the very first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is at all, at all." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a very old fat lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order coming back to the number that it started on. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son. "Go get your mother..."

40. Going to Heaven Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now."

41. A dramatic moment! From The Sligo Independence, 1950. It was a dramatic moment in a play at a Dublin theatre. The hard-hearted father was turning out his erring daughter. "Go!" he said, thrusting the door open. "Go - and never darken my door again!" "But what will I do?" she sobbed. "Where will I go?" A deep silence followed, except for the sobs of the desolate daughter, when the shrill voice of a kind-hearted little girl in the gallery called out, "Come home with us, Alanna."

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42. Wee Murray is a clever lad. The scene is Bishoploch Primary School, Glasgow. Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.' Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge, so I am. This is goannae be a doddle!' Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?' Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar Fauntleroy at the front. 'Yes, Farqhuar?' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): ' Yes miss, the answer is J. F. Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.' Teacher: 'Very good Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.' The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more determined. Teacher: 'Who said 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?' Wee Murray 's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting 'I know, I know. Pick me Miss! Pick me Miss!' Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at the front: 'Yes, Tarquin.' Tarquin (in a very, very posh English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941, Battle of Britain speech.' Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.' The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper; he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his chair, dribbling in anticipation. Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?' Wee Murray's arm shoots straight in the air. He's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming, 'Pick me miss. Pick me miss. I know, I know. Me miss, me miss, meeeeee'. Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front. 'Yes, Rupert?' Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): 'Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing.' Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.' Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his chair at the wall. He starts screaming: 'WHERE THE F*CK DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B*ST*RDS COME FROM?' Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said that?' Wee Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, 'Robert the Bruce, Bannockburn, 1314. See ye on Tuesday Miss!'

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43. Noah in the 21 century In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

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44. White Wine · Do you have feelings of inadequacy? · Do you suffer from shyness? · Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine. White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine. However, White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister. WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of White Wine is a major factor in dancing like a idiot. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WARNING: The consumption of White Wine may be a major factor in getting your arse kicked. NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE!!!

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45. GIVING UP WINE I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?" "No I had to stop drinking years ago", the woman told me. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping," she replied. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" " Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

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46. FAMOUS PUBS OF SCOTLAND, ENGLAND AND IRELAND A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were drinking in a pub in Wales. "You know", said the Scotsman, "I prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wonderful little pub called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much so that when you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink for you." "Well", she the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhhh, that's nothing", said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they will take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house." The Englishman and the Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is the truth. "Well", said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me myself, personally, no", said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."

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47. The Texan. A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and, clearing his voice, calling out to the crowd of drinkers, he says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 - drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

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48. Good Sportsmanship At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old rugby players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, swear, attack the referee, or call him a dick-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the pitch so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a stupid a***hole", is it?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

49. Birds & Bees A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me!” Confused, the father asked what was wrong. "Oh, dad," the boy sobbed, "When I was six, you told me there’s no Father Christmas. At seven, you said there’s no Tooth Fairy. When I was eight, you hit me with: "There’s no Angel of Peace". If you’re going to tell me there's no sex, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

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50. Water with Pills A man from Mountain Ash goes to the doctor, and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medication, the man stammers, "Good God, what exactly is my problem?" The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

51. The tourist An Israeli recently arrives at London's Heathrow airport. As he fills out a form, the customs officer asks him: "Occupation?" The Israeli promptly replies: "No, just visiting!"

52. Grieving A man visiting a cemetery heard a second man who was kneeling at a nearby grave crying-out loudly, "Why did you have to die?!!? Why did you have to die?!". The first man was so moved by the other man's obvious pain, that he walked over and lightly placed a comforting hand on the distraught man's shoulder and asked him, "Is this your wife?". "No", replied the weeping man, "Her first husband!"

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53. Ugly American A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real pain, constantly complaining. - The bus seats are uncomfortable. - The food is terrible. - It's too hot. - It's too cold. - The accommodation's awful. The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said, "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone." "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

54. Growning Old At a nursing home a group of pensioners were sitting around talking about their ailments. "My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of tea," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my tea." "I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!" said a fourth. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy, I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gentleman. "I s'pose that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, we should count our blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "at least we can all still drive."

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55. Costume Party A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on, but with a young naked woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked. "I'm a snail." The man replied. "What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young naked woman on your back?" "You've got it wrong," the man replied. "That's Michelle."

56. Posh Party - in South Wales Dai and his missus went to a posh party in Ynyshir. The conversation soon came to Mozart: "Absolutely brilliant… lovely …oh, a wonderful fellow… a genius, Mozart was." Dai's missus, wanting to get in on the conversation remarked, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. It was just this morning... I saw him getting on the No.20 bus goin' to Porthcawl." There was a sudden hush and all eyes were turned toward her. Dai pulled her aside and angrily barked, "We're leavin' - right now." In the car on the way home the wife turned to Dai and said, "You’re really mad about something aren't you?" "How could you tell?" Dai answered sarcastically. Good grief! I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 20 bus to Porthcawl, 'ey? EVERYBODY knows that the No. 20 Bus doesn't go to Porthcawl!"

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57. London visit An old couple visited London. They left the airport and got into a taxi. The taxi driver asked them where they were from, so the old man said: "Wales." The old lady, being hard of hearing, shouted "What did he say?" The old man replied: "HE ASKED WHERE WE ARE FROM - I SAID WE'RE FROM WALES!" "What part of Wales are you from?" asked the driver. "We are from Mountain Ash," replied the old feller. The old lady said: "What did he say?" so the old man replied, "HE ASKED ME WHAT PART OF WALES WE ARE FROM - I SAID WE ARE FROM MOUNTAIN ASH." The driver then said: "Mountain Ash! Worst woman I ever met was in Mountain Ash.". The old lady yelled "What did he say?" "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old feller replied.

58 Fishing A kind-hearted man from Mountain Ash was walking through Roath Park in Cardiff and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses. "Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind man walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, buttie?" "Fishin', sir." "Fishin', eh. Well, how would you like to come and have a drink with me?" The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner pub. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar. His host, the kindly man, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old buttie, how many did you catch today?" The old chap took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You're the sixth!"

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59. Birthday Present for Ivor It was Ivor the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his round, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing flies. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he'd had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, bacon, sausage, black pudding, tomatoes and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a pound note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the pound for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a pound.' The breakfast was my idea."

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60. Various responses to Terrorist Alerts In light of recent Terrorist activities in Europe the locals reacted accordingly... The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." This rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

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61. A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died. He was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."

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62. The Priest began his sermon with this story: "I was on a plane recently, from Melbourne to England, when we ran into some very severe turbulence. As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, and came over to me, and said, 'Father, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know... do something religious?'" "So I took up a collection."

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63. Band-Aids on the mirror Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigid. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could do on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Brigid staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?" Paddy said, "What do you mean, darling?" "Well," said Brigid, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

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64. Where is God? Two young lads, Sean, aged 8 and Patrick 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that the priest in the next parish over had been successful in disciplining children so she asked if he would speak with her boys. Father agreed, but asked to see the lads individually. So the mother sent Sean first, in the morning, and the older boy, Patrick, in the afternoon, to see the priest. Now Father was a large, imposing man, with a huge voice, and he sat the younger boy down and asked him quietly at first, "Do you know where God is, Sean?" But the boy made no response, and just sat there wide-eyed with his mouth open. So the priest repeated the question in a sterner tone: "Sean, where is God?" Again, Sean made no attempt to reply. Father raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face bellowing, "Answer me now, lad, where is God?" With that, Sean screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When Patrick found him in the closet, he asked, "Sean, what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We're in BIG trouble this time, Pat! GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

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65. THE IRISH DIET An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds. When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs! 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'? The Irishman nodded. 'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day. 'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.? 'No, from the fookin' skippin'

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66. Three men were sitting together recounting how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Albania and boasted that he had told his wife she must do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Korea. He said he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better. By the third day his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Irish girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye...

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67. This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers...... A young family moved into a house that was next door to a vacant building plot. One day a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the guys, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing 5 Euro in 50 cent coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling all about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this" said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house." "My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?" The little girl thought for a moment and said, "I think so, provided those c*nts at Chadwicks deliver the f**king bricks on time."

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68. Marriage Made in Heaven On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him. St. Peter replies, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” He leaves. The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return, but he never did. 9 weeks later, and the couple were still waiting. They started to wonder, if things didn’t work out, could they get a divorce in heaven? Another month later, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple. “You can get married in Heaven.” “Awesome!” the couple responds enthusiastically. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?” St. Peter’s face suddenly turned red with anger. He slammed his clipboard to the ground. Frightened, the couple asked “What’s wrong?” “OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

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69. A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave 25. cents to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "OK, Wait Wait! There's more! 3 years ago I also gave a homeless person 25. cents." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

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70. The Atheist! An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again & the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with it's left paw and raising its right paw to strike him....he yelled out, "OH MY GOD!" Time stopped....... The bear froze....... The forest was silent............ Even the river stopped moving. As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around, GOD SPOKE: "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? "AM I TO COUNT YOU NOW AS A BELIEVER?" Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light & said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" "VERY WELL," said GOD. The light went out... The river ran... The sounds of the forest resumed.. And the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive, Amen."

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71. A priest, a minister and a rabbi were discussing the power of prayer..... The priest said, "I have great faith in the power of prayer. Once I was doing some missionary work and I was travelling in a light aircraft. We flew into a huge storm and were in great fear for our lives. I started praying and after a while we flew into the eye of the storm. It was completely calm for 2 km around the aircraft and we flew to the safety of our destination like that. So I really believe in prayer." The minister said, "I had a similar experience. I was fishing on the bay with some fellow clergy when a great storm came up. Our small craft was being tossed around like a cork and we were sure we couldn't survive. We all started praying and like a miracle it became completely calm around our boat for about 2 km. We sailed to the safety of shore in that state of calm, so I have great faith in the power of prayer." The rabbi said, "I had a similar experience with prayer. It was the Sabbath and I was standing outside the synagogue when a truck came flying around the corner. A box fell from the back of the truck as it sped away. The box was full of money but it being the Sabbath I could do nothing about it. I couldn't pick up the money and believe me the synagogue needed money. So I started to pray. A miracle happened... for a short time all around the synagogue, for about 2 miles, it became Wednesday!'

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72. A BLOKES PERSPECTIVE I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting Into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all sweety, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

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73. "Talking Dog For Sale" A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale" He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government. So, I told the CIA about my gift. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

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74. The blond and the ventriloquist A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in Alabama. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair. "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general - and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is extremely embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little smartmouth on your knee."

75. Two blonds There were two blondes who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

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76. Foreign Languages A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "WOOF, WOOF!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

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77. The donkey The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning, addressing his congregation, vehement that alcohol was the work of the devil. "As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from which would he drink?" A grizzled old Irishman at the back of the church spoke up: "Aye, Father, for sure he'd drink from the water." The priest, elated, said: " Very good, my son. And can you tell me WHY he'd drink from the water?" The Irishman at the back of the church replied: "Sure I can tell ye' why, Father. Because he's an ass."

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78. Moral Lesson! A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had stolen money from his parents, embezzled money from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs. I was appalled, but as the days went on I came to realize that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people." Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk... "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession." Moral lesson: DON'T BE LATE

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79. Dog and Cat Diaries EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY: 8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite! 9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite! 10:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite! 11:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! Noon - Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite! 1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite! 4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite! 5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! 5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite! 6:00 p..m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite! 6:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite! 8:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

80. EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY: Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts... They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

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81. An Aussie woman's diary Saturday 12th April 2008 Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten ! minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else. ………………………….. An Aussie Man's Diary Saturday 12th April 2008 Collingwood lost the Final. Gutted. Got a root though

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82. SCHOOL CAMP Dear Mom & Dad, Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect some thing to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he's a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jesse how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some Scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about us not wearing life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our Scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Chris

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83. Jacob and Rebecca Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds " Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about suppositories?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely.." Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We sure do." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "Adult diapers?" Pharmacist: "Sure." Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

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84. A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$150" Man - "Sold." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?" Boy - "$350" Man - "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

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85. The athiest and the little girl An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly. "Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,  thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which  the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss  God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading her book.

86. An old joke - European Heaven • The police are all English • The cooks are French • The automobile mechanics are German • The lovers are Italian • Everything is managed by the Swiss •  European Hell • The police are Germans • The cooks are English • The mechanics are French • The lovers are Swiss • Everything is managed by the Italians

87. Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on their holidays. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them ......They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, ' Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

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88. FIVE SURGEONS DISCUSS THEIR PATIENTS At dinner, five surgeons were discussing the relevance of occupations in deciding which patients were easiest to operate on. The first surgeon, from Manchester, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, from Birmingham, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." The third surgeon, from Edinburgh says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon, from London, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts leftover." But the fifth surgeon, from Dublin, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are interchangeable."

89. Home Security for Seniors If you, like me, are living on a fixed income, here are some great tips for a security system that works great and is completely free: • Disconnect your current home alarm system. • Turn off your external security flood lights and resign from Neighborhood Watch. • Raise 2 Pakistani flags in your front yard, one at each corner, and place the black flag of ISIS in the center of your yard. This will ensure that all your neighbors, the local Police, the Federal Police and the Armed Forces will all keep a 24/7 watch on your house. In addition, you will be followed & watched everywhere you go, so you’ll never feel safer, and you will save about $149.50 a month!

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90. Roshi-Rabbi Rabbi Gershowitz and Rabbi Hershowitz had received transmission in a Soto Zen lineage that had centers in California and New York. The title of Roshi had been conferred on both; like ‘rabbi,’ the word means master and teacher. Many Zen lineages, especially those with outposts in the West, consider Buddhism the cultural vehicle through which the understanding of thusness or nothingness that is Zen is reached. If so, why could Zen not be reached through any cultural vehicle? No reason. Many years ago now, but shortly after receiving transmission, Rabbi Hershowitz invited his old friend Rabbi Gershowitz to join him on a trip to Israel. A young rabbinical student named Sol accompanied them. First they visited the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. Both rabbis stood immobile among the throng for quite some time. Sol was puzzled. Suddenly, Rabbi Gershowitz walked to the wall. He began to keen and wail. “I am nothing. I am nobody. I am nothing. I am nobody.” Immediately, Rabbi Hershowitz got it. He walked to the wall. “I am nothing. I am nobody.” Sol was greatly impressed to be with these two great men at this transformative moment. He too approached the wall. “I am nothing. I am nobody.” Upon seeing this, Rabbi Gershowitz nudged Rabbi Hershowitz and said, “Look who thinks he’s a nobody.”

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91. The Garden of Eden After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God. 'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.' And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'. 'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. 'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?' 'Just fantastic,' she replied, But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.' God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?'

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92. The wise old man An old man was sitting on a fence outside an Irish village. A car pulls up, with a couple in the front seat. The driver says to the old man “We're just moving to the village and we were wondering what the people are like?” “What were the people like in your last village?” Asks the old man. “Terrible people. Absolute bastards.” “They're the same here” says the old man and the couple head into the village. As it was an hour later another car pulled up beside the old man “We're moving to the village and we were wondering what the people are like there.” ”What were they like in your last village?” asks the old man “Terribly decent people. Couldn't meet better'' Says the old man “They're the same here'.

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93. Clever China man A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. One of the bank’s employees then drives the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Chinese man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The Chinese man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

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94. A New Career! A letter written to David Miliband... Rt Hon David Miliband MP Secretary of State. Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA), Nobel House 17 Smith Square London  SW1P 3JR 16 July 2009 Dear Secretary of State, My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business. In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy. I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these? As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this? My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases? Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear? I am also considering the "not milking cows" business , so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)? In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election. Yours faithfully, Nigel Johnson-Hill

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95. Doctor: "Did you tell O'Shea he's the father of triplets? Nurse: "No, he's still shaving."

96. Saving Grace- "My wife's cooking is so bad", said Murphy, "that we usually pray after our food."

97. Headhunted- Manager: "From your references I see you had four different jobs in the last month" Worker: "Yes sir, that shows how much in demand I am."

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98. The Drunk A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. Almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, the preacher asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" When the drunk answers, "Yes, I am," he grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk answers "No, I haven't found Jesus." Shocked at the response, the preacher pushes him into the water again, for a little longer this time. But when he asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?", the drunk still answers "No, I haven't found Jesus." At his wits end, the preacher thrusts him into the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds. When his arms and legs begin to twitch, the preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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99. Gone too far Ceri was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. As he got up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but Ceri was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe," he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a garage. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the garage owner, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The garage owner looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do... he's in too far."

100. The quickest way to Cork. Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?" Billy says, "In the car." Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."

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101. God Bless Paddy Paddy is stumbling along the road, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?” Paddy answers, “Yes, I am.” So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Tell us Brother have you found Jesus? The drunk replies, “No. No I haven’t found Jesus.” The preacher is shocked at the answer, so he quickly dunks him into the water again for a little longer. When he pulls him out of the river he asks him again, “Have you found Jesus yet my brother?” Paddy again answers, “No sir, I haven’t found Jesus.” By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher then again asks the drunk, “For the love of God have you found Jesus, my brother?” The drunken Paddy chokes and coughs and wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the Preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

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102. Spin Doctors A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?' The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, and a Republican". The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

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103. God Almighty Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him. He enquired of God "Where were you?" God breathed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. Look son, look what I'm after making". Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said "What is it?" God replied "It's another planet, but I'm after putting Life on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America will be poor, and the narrow bit joining them will be a hot spot. Now look over here I've put a continent of whites in the North and another one of blacks in the South." Then the Archangel said "What's that green dot there?" "Ahhh, that's the Emerald Isle," God said, "that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on Earth, beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and exquisite coastline. These people here are going to be great craic (Irish word for fun) and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be playwrights and poets, singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid, which they're going to go mad on, and for which people will come from the far corners of the Earth to drink." Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration, then seemingly startled, he said, "Hold on a second, what about BALANCE, you said there was going to be balance..?" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the wankers I'm putting next door to them!"

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104. How to fry an egg A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when, suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once! TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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105. Tech Support: Installing love Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process? Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed? Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first? Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart? Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running? Tech Support: What programs are running? Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now. Tech Support: No problem. Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off? Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how? Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased. Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal? Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades. Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components" What should I do? Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others. Customer: So, what should I do? Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations. Customer: Okay, done. Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal? Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you. Customer: Thank you. Tech Support: You're Welcome, Anytime.

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106. Tech Support Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as .Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NASCAR 6.0, . NFL 5.1 and . Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? - Signed, Desperate DEAR DESPERATE, First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

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107. On marriage. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Dumas The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want? - Sigmund Freud I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. - Anonymous 'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' - Henny Youngman 'I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.' - Sam Kinison 'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' - James Holt McGavran 'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' - Patrick Murray The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... - Anonymous You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden Nash Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. - Anonymous

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108. Roberto is a New York art connoisseur. One day, he’s walking in Brooklyn and notices a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer in front of a restaurant called Moishe’s Deli. He quickly realizes with a shock that the saucer was a very rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into the store and offered $10 for the cat. "It's not for sale," said Moishe. "Look," said Roberto, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to $50." "It's a deal," said Moishe, and pocketed the money. "For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said Roberto. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it." "Nothing doing," said Moishe firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I've sold 34 cats."

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109. Apolitical Aphorisms We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop~ I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~ Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer~ If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers~ Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev~ When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow~ Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author unknown~ Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton~ A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Tex Guinan~ I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle~ Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson~ There ought to be one day -- just one --when there is open season on Congressmen. ~Will Rogers~ The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII~

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110. Gandhi and Professor Peters (Amusing as this story is, it is under question HERE) When Mahatma Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, the story goes, that one of his professors, named Peters, took an intense disliking to him - always displaying prejudice and animosity towards him: That Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected, led to "arguments" and confrontations. One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, "Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat." Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, "You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table. Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. "Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?" Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "The one with the money, of course." Mr. Peters, smiling sarcastically said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?" Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, "Each one takes what he doesn't have." Mr. Peters, by this time was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave it to Gandhi.. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk, trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move. A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."

111. What are you in for? Two children are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room. The first child leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second child says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first child says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It's a breeze." The second child then asks, "What are you here for?" The first child says, "A circumcision." And the second child says, "Whoa, Good luck, mate, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year."

112. After the world’s most illustrious computer experts admired their new quantum computer, they decided on the first question they would ask. “Is there a God?” they asked. “There is NOW!” came the reply.

113. There once was a woman from Bright. Who could travel much faster than light. She woke up one day, and just flew away, and returned on the previous night.

114. A modern parable An anthropologist proposed a game to the kids in an African tribe. He put a basket full of fruit near a tree and told the kids that who ever got there first won the sweet fruits. When he told them to run they all took each others hands and ran together, then sat together enjoying their treats. When he asked them why they had run like that as one could have had all the fruits for himself they said: ''UBUNTU, how can one of us be happy if all the other ones are sad?'' The word 'UBUNTU' in the Xhosa culture means: "I am because we are."

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115. What Gender is a computer? - an analysis There was a group of adults who were taking a computer science course at a Community College and after a few weeks of classes the professor decided to have a bit of fun with them one day, as a little learning activity. He divided them by sex and he put the men on one side of the room and women on the other side of the room and he said, I want you all to do a project for the next ten minutes and I want you to determine which gender computers ought to be. And so they deliberated. Finally, the men have voted unanimously that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender. The professor said, “Ok, share with me your points.” They had four points: - They said the reason why computers should be spoken of in the female gender is because no one but their Creator understands their internal logic. - The 2nd reason, is because when computers speak to each other they speak in code language only they and experts can understand. - The third reason is because every mistake you ever make is stored on their hard drive for later retrieval. - The fourth reason is because as soon as you commit to one you end up spending half your paycheck on accessorizing it. Don’t laugh too hard because the women had the last word on this subject. The women voted unanimously that computers must be in the masculine gender for the following reasons: - First of all, in order to get their attention you have to turn them on. - Secondly they have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves. - They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem. - As soon as you commit to one you realize if you waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

116. "Worthless" A young artist exhibits his work for the first time, and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, “would you like my opinion on your work?” “Yes,” says the artist. “It’s worthless,” says the critic The artist replies, “I know, but tell me anyway.”

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117. Craic Quips 1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson. 2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled. 3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move. 4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm. 5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price. 6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on. 7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around. 8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene. 9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars. 10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. 11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough. 12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band. 13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook. Now I’ll never hear the end of it. 14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark. 15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell. 16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare. 17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.” 18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence. 19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering. 20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but goodplayers are really hard to find. 21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road. 22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re. 23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.” 24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self. 25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.  26. Scrabble is all fun and games until someone loses an ‘i’

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118. "They're made out of meat." A one-act play by Terry Bisson, 1991 (Archived here) "Meat. They're made out of meat." "Meat?" "There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat." "That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars." "They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines." "So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact." "They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines." "That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat." "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat." "Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage." "Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?" "Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside." "Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through." "No brain?" "Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!" "So... what does the thinking?" "You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat." "Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!" "Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?" "Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat." "Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years." "So what does the meat have in mind." "First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual." "We're supposed to talk to meat?" "That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing." "They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?" "Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat." "I thought you just told me they used radio." "They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat." "Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?" "Officially or unofficially?" "Both." "Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing." "I was hoping you would say that." "It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?" "I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?" "Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact." "So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe." "That's it." "Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?" "They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them." "A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream." "And we can mark this sector unoccupied." "Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?" "Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotation ago, wants to be friendly again." "They always come around." "And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."

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119. Shake it off! One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw! With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! MORAL : Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to be happy: 1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. 2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens. 3. Live simply and appreciate what you have. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less from people but more from yourself.

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120 Life on the Plantation By Bill Moyers January 12, 2007 (see full speech here) Excerpt: It has long been said (ostensibly by Benjamin Franklin, but we can't be sure) that "democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for dinner. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote." My fellow lambs: It's good to be in Memphis and find you well-armed with passion for democracy, readiness for action, and courage for the next round in the fight for a free and independent press. I salute the conviction that brought you here. I cherish the spirit that fills this hall and the camaraderie we share today. All too often the greatest obstacle to reform is the reform movement itself. Factions rise, fences are built, jealousies mount - and the cause all believe in is lost in the shattered fragments of what was once a clear and compelling vision. Reformers, in fact, too often remind me of Baptists. I speak as a Baptist. I know Baptists. One of my favorite stories is of the fellow who was about to jump off a bridge when another fellow runs up to him, crying: "Stop. Stop. Stop. Don't do it!" The man on the bridge looks down and asks, "Why not?" "Well, there's much to live for." "Like what?" "Well, your faith. Are you religious?" "Yes." "Me, too. Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me, too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?" "Protestant." "Me, too. Methodist, Presbyterian, Baptist?" "Baptist." "Me, too. Are you original Baptist Church of God or Reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me, too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1820, or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1912?" "1912." Whereupon the second fellow turned red in the face, shouted, "Die, you heretic scum," and pushed him off the bridge. That sounds like reformers, doesn't it?

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121 Two Englishmen, two Scotsmen, two Welshmen and two Irishmen were marooned on a desert island. The two Scotsmen got together and started a bank; The two Welshmen got together and started a choir; The two Irishmen got together and started a fight; The two Englishmen never spoke to each other - they hadn't been introduced!

122 "They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.” — Bob Monkhouse

123 Once upon a time a most unhappy king whose riches were beyond measure, asked his wise man for advice on being happy. The wise man told the king that the way to find true happiness was to wear the shirt of the Happiest Man in the World. The king immediately sent his servants on a mission to find the Happiest Man in the World. After several years of searching, at last one of the king's servants sent the message, "have found the happiest man in the world". "Quick" replied the king, "Send me his shirt!" But the message he received in reply said, "The Happiest Man in the World doesn't own a shirt!"

124 As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologised to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play the pipes. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.  And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept  together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

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125. These are actual medical chart entries by nurses and doctors. 1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 2. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 3. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. 4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 7. Healthy, appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused autopsy. 9. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. 14. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 15. She is numb from her toes down. 16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 17. The skin was moist and dry. 18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. 19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 24. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead. 27. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 29. Patient was seen in consultation by DR. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 30. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

126. A Young Dubliner arrives in Florida A young guy from Dublin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Dublin". Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65 ". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Buddy, your weekend's fu’ked, you should go fishing.'

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127. SOB: Son of a Bitch Fish!!! The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" "Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!" "No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!" Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster. "Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen!!!" "Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?" "Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!" Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip. "Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, "Father!" "It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!" "Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?" Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in. "What are you doing Sister?" "Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner" "Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!" "No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish." "Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch." On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?" "I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest. "And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister. The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!" The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, "You fu*kers are my kind of people."

128. Mental Help Hotline "If you feel you need help, call for help. Listen carefully to be sure you pick the right selection. Thank you for choosing us for your mental health concerns. We care." Hello and Welcome to the Mental Help Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press, 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dyslexic press 69696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until the beep, after the beep please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later. If you have low-self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

129. If... If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat plain food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without a drink, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs…. Then you are probably the Family Dog!

130. Wee Mary So, the teacher was explaining about morals and how they are like lessons. He then asks the class if anyone can give a short story with a moral to it. As the hands go up, the teacher says to Wee Mary, "Mary, tell us all your story and what the moral of it is. Wee Mary begins.. "A little bird was flying to her nest through an ice storm. Her wings were wet and heavy and eventually she could no longer flap them. Exhausted she fell onto the frozen ground and after a few tries to fly she gave up and was about to freeze to death from the cold. A passing cow walked by, stopped and dropped a cow pat right on top of the wee bird." Mary continues, "At first the wee bird struggled but it was warm in the cow pat so she settled and she made it through the night. In the morning, the weather got warmer and some worms crawled up to the cow pie and the little bird had a meal. The wee bird was so happy she survived and so ready for the new day she started to chirp. A cat was walking by, heard the bird, pounced, pulls the little bird out and killed it." The Teacher then says, "Mary, that was a lovely story but what was the moral to it?" Wee Mary stands back up and says, "Sir, not everyone that gives you shit is your enemy. Not everyone that pulls you out of the shit is your friend." And finally, if you are in shit but happy, keep you mouth shut!"

131. And the winner is ... Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a £100 her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair - Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the £100 in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of money "What's this?" she asked. "That's the £8,000 you have coming, Sister," he replied......... "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."

132. Redaction defined (by the Irish) Six Irish people in a conversation 1. MESELF 2. HIMSELF (i.e. my partner) 3. YERSELF 4. YER MAN (could be your partner but could be another man whose identity is well understood) 5. YER ONE (another woman. If she’s the partner of Yer Man - and he’s not your partner - then she could her HERSELF. 6. HERSELF (A woman whose identity is understood) e.g. “Do you remember that time at the festival?  There was myself, himself, yourself, yer man, & yer one?  Herself might have been there too…”

133. Even brilliant people find it hard to imagine something unknown. "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy" -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. “Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.” – Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872. "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon," -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873. "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible" -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "Everything that can be invented has been invented" -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value" -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, French general and Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre, France, 1911. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom." -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923 "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by itself." -- the head of IBM, forcing the inventor, Chester Carlson, to found Xerox, 1938 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 ''The Bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." -- Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project, 1945 "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country, and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out" -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "But what is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, commenting on the microchip, 1968. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible" -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp. in 1969. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

134. Kurt Vonnegut tells his wife he's going out to buy an envelope: “Oh, she says, well, you're not a poor man. You know, why don't you go online and buy a hundred envelopes and put them in the closet? And so I pretend not to hear her. And go out to get an envelope because I'm going to have a hell of a good time in the process of buying one envelope. I meet a lot of people. And see some great looking babies. And a fire engine goes by. And I give them the thumbs up. And I'll ask a woman what kind of dog that is. And, and I don't know. The moral of the story is - we're here on Earth to fart around. And, of course, the computers will do us out of that. And what the computer people don't realize, or they don't care, is we're dancing animals. You know, we love to move around. And it's like we're not supposed to dance at all anymore." -Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007), “A Man Without a Country” (2005)

135. Your DUCK IS DEAD! A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. £1,500!" she cried £1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £1,500

136. From the mouths of babies. A four year old little boy was at the doctor’s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach so big?” She replied, “I’m having a baby.” With big eyes, he replied, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.” Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks forward to what he has to say next… And, much to her surprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. “Then why did you eat him.

137. The young English site manager took a dislike to yer man who was applying fo a job on the building site. "Why Paddy," he said, "I doubt if you know the difference between a girder and a joist." "Dat's aisy," said yer man. "Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses." boom boom

138. Cheap jokes! Lexophiles 2019 competition entries (Winning submission at the end.) An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile. Lexophile describes those who have a love for words and enjoys how they can be cleverly used. For instance: "You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish" or "To write with a broken pencil is pointless." - No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. - If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed. - I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. - I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. - Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? - When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. - When chemists die, they barium. - I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. - I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. - England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. - Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. - This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore - I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. - A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. - When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. - I got some batteries that were given out free of charge. - A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. - A will is a dead giveaway. - With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. - Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. - Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now. - A bicycle can't stand alone. It's just two tired. - The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. - He had a photographic memory, but it was never fully developed. - When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye. - Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it. - Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end. - When you’ve seen one shopping Center you’ve seen a Mall. = And the winner is: If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. ...

139. WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS Glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was highly regarded. The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway). "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Former Australian PM Paul Keating

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